The Cake Zone

by Captain Cake

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about

Captain Cake’s debut album ‘The Cake Zone’ is partly a string of exaggerated personal anecdotes, partly a musical Internet meme. Blending elements of dance, hip-hop, spoken word and grunge, it features laptop beats, loud guitars and strange skits mixed into songs about customers who are always right, fitness fanatics who go to the gym three hours a day, the perils of falling into the pool, and being a good father.

credits

released March 10, 2017

Written by Captain Cake
Produced by 5 Year Olds WIthout Supervision
Mixed by 5 Year Olds Without Supervision

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Captain Cake Brisbane, Australia

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Track Name: This Is Your Captain Speaking
This Is Your Captain Cake Speaking, Strap yourselves in
Because over the course of this album i'm going to take you
ON A JOURNEY
Through A magical land known as THE CAKE ZONE
So, you might be surprised to know that i'm A famous writer
I wrote the screenplay for the movie Avatar!
The writing dream has worked out for me
So the rude customers can get stuffed
Because my haters are Frank Grimes
And Frank Grimes Dies!
Track Name: The Writing Dream
The writing dream has worked out for me
The writing dream has worked out for me
I used to work at the Pancake Manor
'Til James Cameron came along and said
"You're such a good writer Captain Cake, Why don't you write, AVATAR!"

Now the writing dream has worked out for me, I Wrote the script for Avatar
The writing dream has worked out for me, Cause I wrote the script to Avatar

Now I live in a mansion
Drive around in a big fancy car
And it's all because I wrote the screen play for Despicable Me

Now the writing dream has worked out for me, I Wrote the script for Avatar
The writing dream has worked out for me, Cause I wrote the script to Avatar

Avatar x2
I wrote Avatar
I'm A superstar
I wrote Avatar
How's the writing dream worked out for you so far?
I'm A superstar
Driving A fancy car
And your writing is ok
But no cigar
I'm A superstar
I wrote Avatar
How's the writing dream worked out for you so far?
I'm A superstar
Driving A fancy car
And your writing is ok
But no cigar
Track Name: Good Father
When my kids are born
I know i'll be prepared
even though I admit i'll be a little scared
Cause i've got what it takes to teach them right from wrong
And be a good male role model
Caring and strong

Good Father
I will be A Good Father
Good Father
I will be A Good Father

And i'll shed tears of joy on every occasion
Every birthday will have a big celebration
And I won't have to shop at Woolworth's when I've got a family to feed
Because my children are the only every day rewards I need

Good Father
I will be A Good Father
Good Father
I will be A Good Father

Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be a Good Father
Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be a Good Father

Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be a Good Father

And my kids and I
Will play Monopoly
So I can teach them about owning property
But I don't play fair
No, I always buy Mayfair
Straight to jail kids
Now stay there

Good Father
I will be A Good Father
Good Father
I will be A Good Father

Good Father
I will be A Good Father
Good Father
I will be A Good Father

Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be a Good Father
Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I'm an athiest

Good Father
I will be A Good Father
Good Father
I will be A Good Father

Cause in this cold heartless world
Everybody needs a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be a Good Father
Cause in this cold heartless world
We all need a hand
Just to reach for in the night
Someone who understands
They say you make God laugh by telling him your plans
But I plan to be
A Bad father
Wait no, God Father
Wait no, Good Father
Yes, Good Father. Good
Track Name: I'm Captain Cake
Okay Then
What Can I say
I Guess back in the day
I got carried away
Thinking I had some crisis going on
of the ?quarter life variety but I was wrong
I don't pay enough attention to the good things when I got em
But back I thought my job was the problem
And then this book called the The Tao Te Ching
Made me reconsider everything
How did a Toaist sage who probably didn't exist
Show me a better way of living that I somehow had missed
I don't know if there's an afterlife
But what I do know
Is the here and now is better if I go with the flow
As I check my ego
And let the past go
Thinking how I wished i'd learned that 10 years ago
Life's not a Crisis
Nor is it a race
The only race is with myself
And i'm coming first place

I'm the one they call Captain Cake
I'm not the type to be false and fake
I'm just doing my best to make my own life great
The rest is up to fate
I'm the one they call Captain Cake
Don't let nothing bring me down
Especially hate
I ditched criticism
For the chance to create
Now let me demonstrate

Well i'm a crap musician
And i'm never gonna be the next Australian Idol
But that's a good thing probably
But I can up my game
With these words I write
Share nothing with the world that I think is Shit
Try as hard as I might
To make it funny and clever
And if it doesn't measure up
Don't share it ever
And whether it's a novel or a poetry slam
A short story or a skit, I'll give a damn
Drop language warnings, Like I was on Triple ZZZ
About to play a Slayer song
If you're offended, go to bed
When I tried magic
I couldn't raise the dead
But when I swam in Brisbane River
Well I grew an extra head, Damn

I'm the one they call Captain Cake
I fish for compliments in Burleigh Lake
I get Diarrhea when I drink a chocolate shake
Because Lactose is something that I can't take
I'm the one they call Captain Cake
When I was 14 I wrote a song about Steak
I'm not like Side Show Bob when he steps on rakes
I learn from my mistakes

I may not be your idea of success
But I couldn't care less
Cause I know that i'm blessed
I'll attest, I'm obsessed
With my quest to be
The best version of me that exists currently
I'll put words together
And try to be clever
So if you don't like it
Then fucking whatever
I'm not quitting ever
I'll strive to be better
Then my life last endevour
From now til forever
So you can tell the fucking youtube trolls
To step back from the keyboard and get some goals
I didn't see your fucking comment for 2 whole years
A little late to reply but I shed no tears
I studied journalism
And I didn't get far
But now i'm kinda glad things are the way they are
There's more to life than money and success
And I don't wanna work for the Murdoch Press

I'm the one they call Captain Cake
I'm not the type to be false and fake
I'm just doing my best to make my own life great
The rest is up to fate
I'm the one they call Captain Cake
Don't let nothing bring me down
Especially hate
I ditched criticism
For the chance to create
Now let me demonstrate
I'm the one they call Captain Cake
I fish for compliments in Burleigh Lake
I get Diarrhea when I drink a chocolate shake
Because Lactose is something that I can't take
I'm the one they call Captain Cake
When I was 14 been waiting for that Steak
I'm not like Side Show Bob when he steps on rakes
I learn from my mistakes
Track Name: Perfect Shape
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm in Perfect Shape
Buff!

I used to be thin
emaciated and Boney
I had no friends
My life was so very lonely
My arms were like sticks
Like a pair of toothpicks
I couldn't get any chicks
Or even get into Rics
I look a vampire
They called me Vlad the Impaler
So I went to the Gym
And got a personal trainer
Who told me success
Was 99 percent failure
And not to take steroids
Cause they shrink your genitalia

Now I go to gym
At least 3 hours a day
And work my physique
In every possible way
Now I go to gym
At least 3 hours a day
And work my physique
In every possible way
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!

There’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer
And Buffy St. Marie
But neither of them are as buffy as me
And by buffy, I really mean buff
‘cos my muscles are huge
And I can crush heavy stuff
And you can crash your car into me, but I’ll go ha!
‘cos I’ll be perfectly fine but you’ll write off the car
I’m lifting weights until the early morn
In the gym with my best buddy Little Sean

I go to the gym at least three hours a day
And work my physique in every possible way
I go to the gym at least three hours a day
And work my physique in every possible way
I go to Jujitsu, kick the sensei’s arse
Straight to black belt on my very first class
I go to Jujitsu, kick the sensei’s arse
Straight to black belt on my very first class
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!
I'm In Perfect Shape
BUFF!

Schwarzenegger, he’s in perfect shape
Denzel Washington, he’s in perfect shape
Channing Tatum, he’s in perfect shape
Giovanni from Pokemon he’s in perfect shape
Will Smith, he’s in perfect shape
China Mieville, he’s in perfect shape
Little Sean, he’s in perfect shape
And me, I’m in perfect shape!
I'm in perfect shape
I'm in perfect shape
I'm Fat!
Track Name: Frank Grimes
I’m feeling mighty fine
Because I’m Homer Simpson, baby
And my haters are Frank Grimes
I win every single time
Because I’m Homer Simpson, baby
And my haters are Frank Grimes

Frank-F-Frank-F-Frank Frank Frank Grimes (x6)

I’ve been to outer space
All my haters have is a haircut and a briefcase
I live in a fancy place
And when I pee on the seat, my boss gives me a raise
All the good things in life come to me
I’ve got a son who owns a factory
My enemies live in a little flat
Between two bowling alleys and they’re sad about that

I’m living a life that’s sublime
Because I’m Homer Simpson, baby
And my haters are Frank Grimes
I win every single time
Because my haters are Frank Grimes
And Frank Grimes dies

Frank-F Frank-F Frank Frank Grimes dies (x6)

I won a competition
I don’t care it was intended for children
I eat donuts like a pig
And no matter how shit my songs are I can still get a gig
Don’t try to stop me ‘cos you know you can’t
One day I’ll run the whole damn power plant
This is my life and I’m living large
At your funeral, I’ll say “change the channel, Marge”

We're feeling mighty fine
Because we're Homer Simpson, people
And our haters are Frank Grimes
We'll win every single time
Because we're Homer Simpson, people
And our haters are Frank Grimes

Frank-F-Frank-F-Frank Frank Frank Grimes (x6)

We're living lives that are sublime
Because we're Homer Simpson, People
And our haters are Frank Grimes
We'll win every single time
Because our haters are Frank Grimes
And Frank Grimes Dies

Frank-F Frank-F Frank Frank Grimes dies (x6)


Winner winner, lobster dinner (x8)
Track Name: The Customer Is Always Right
The Customer is always right x2

Oh Yes i'm really smart
And I know everything about art
Much more than you do
And I act how I want
When I go to a restaurant
That's only fair
Because I have a P.H.D
I'm a Doctor of Philosophy
And I make A good living
The Waiters are my slaves
I like to boss them around
and make them get my food
While I sit here there being rude

The Customer is always right
The Customer is always right
That's me
The Customer is always right
And you're looking at him
The Customer is always wrong
That's not the words to the song

I like to have a good time
Uncork a fresh bottle of wine
And laugh at the waiters
I have a lot of fun
Slapping the waiters bums
Oh yes i'm outrageous
Look at me
I'm a laugh riot
Because the waiters are idiots
And none of them go to Uni
I Should know
I lecture at the Uni
You're all my slaves
I like to laugh at your faces
Now get me my food
While I sit here in the nude

The Customer is always right
The Customer is always right
And I am He
The Customer is always right
And you're looking at him
The Customer is always wrong
Watch as I play with my schlong

Shake it baby I love it, I love it x9

Put your left foot in
Take your left foot out
Do the hokey pokey
And you turn around
Put your right foot in
Take your right foot out
Do the hokey pokey
And Boss the waiters 'Round
You might say i'm A pompous snob
But don't blame me if you don't like your job
Cause hater's gonna hate
And waiters gonna wait
And I deserve the finest when i'm going on a date
With some unlucky girl

I'm always right
The Customer is always right
That's me
The Customer is always right
I Said It
The Customer is always wrong
Go home and suck on your bong
Track Name: Tony's Clothes
Tony's clothes:
Tony's clothes
Tony's clothes
Tony's clothes
Tony's clothes

This story unfolds when I was ten years olds
Living in Victoria where it was often cold
But after weeks of rain the summer came
I felt so free, I could swim again
One Saturday afternoon we went to a family BBQ
In the rustic charm of uncle Tony's farm
I never thought I would come to harm
But sometimes fate plays tricks on you
Although I was being a bit of a dick, it's true
I was acting quite the fool
Running fully clothed around the swimming pool
And my dad said calm down, just-just calm down or you'll fall in the bloody pool
And you'll be going home in Tony's clothes
And son, I'm telling you

You don't wanna go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes
No, you don't wanna go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes

I laughed, thinking that would never happen to me
I mean, it's the type of shit you see on TV
But fate sure showed me cos I slipped and fell
Into the pool with a splash from hell (ah)
And my dad said "oh bloody hell"
And I thought he was going to yell
But he just told me to get inside
So I took a shower and got washed and dried
And I could've sworn that Tony was filled with glee
When he said he'd choose some clothes for me
A pair of moldy old grey socks
And some brightly coloured purple crocs (what?)
Baggy pants with a hole in the bum
A shirt that says "help, I want my mum"
It was all too large or too small
And I wasn't happy at all

I didn't wanna go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes
No, I didn't wanna go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes
I never wanted to go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes
But I went home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly, completely ludicrous, absolutely ridiculous clothes

This is a cautionary tale
Don't fall in the bloody pool or you'll be going home in Tony's clothes
It doesn't matter if it's a pool in Brisbane
Or a pool in Victoria
Or a pool in freaking Brazil or wherever
Wherever you happen to be Tony will inevitably pop up with a variety of choice options from his astonishingly ridiculous wardrobe
There's no escape
You can even fall in your own pool
In your own stinking backyard
And before you've even trudged up your own back doorsteps
Tony will appear with this portable wardrobe
Full of clothes for you to wear
It doesn't matter what your personal style is
Or what your gender identity is
There, Tony will be with his portable wardrobe
You can't fight it, it's as inevitable as gravity
And I don't mean to offend you if your name happens to be Tony
I'm not trying to imply that you have bad fashion sense
I'm not talking about Tony Abbot either
Even though he does have bad fashion sense
I'm just talking about this one very particular guy whose name happens to be Tony
You don't know him but he knows you
And he's been watching you
And he follows you on Instagram
And he's waiting for you
And he'll always, always, always be waiting for you
Always, always, always be waiting for you
He'll always, always, always be waiting for you
Always, always, always be waiting for you

Until you go home
In Tony's clothes
In Tony's silly, silly clothes
That'll happen soon
Track Name: Life Is Hard
You should have paid more attention in school
Instead of trying to be cool
You should have worked hard on getting good grades
Instead of trying to get laid
And those games where everyone got a prize
All they did was teach you lies
‘cos you’ve grown up and realised
Life’s a bitch and then you die

You think your dreams are gonna come true?
Well, that only happens to a lucky few
And it’s not gonna happen to you
Now you don’t know what to do
Because your job sucks, and you’ve got no skills
You don’t know how you’re gonna pay the rent
And the future fills you with fear
Because you know it just gets worse from here

LIFE IS HARD! x4

You should have paid more attention in school
Instead of swimming in the pool
Fifteen hours of homework a night
Maybe then you would have been alright
Because now, you work at the Pancake Manor
And borrow money from your Nanna
You dreamed about a life of glamour
Now you’re eating cooked Goanna

FROM THE YARD!
FROM THE YARD!
COOKED GOANNA FROM THE BACK YARD!
GOANNA THAT YOU CAUGHT AND COOKED AND ATE

You better stop eating smashed Avacado
And get a job in a fucking office
Work One Hundred Million hours a week
You’ll go far if you don’t give cheek
‘cos at your age, you don’t know shit
Your boss is getting jack of it
Put that coffee down, and shine your shoes
Agree with all your boss’s views
And Kiss their ass

KISS THEIR ARSE!
KISS YOUR BOSSES ARSE!
SUCK YOUR BOSSES ARSE!
YOU'RE NOT A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE
LIFE IS HARD!
LIFE IS HARD!
LIFE IS
LIFE IS
I need A shit.
Track Name: No Shifts This Week
Well, I've been laid off and I’m down on my luck
‘Cos unemployment is high and the job market’s fucked
And I need to feed my imaginary kids
So I got a job in a bar doing night shift
Now I’m moving the kegs and re-stocking the fridge
With beers, barely making enough money to live
I’ve got big dreams and goals but my boss doesn’t care
All he says to me is “no mate, it goes over there”
Now the new roster’s out but my name’s not on it
So I texted my boss and asked “what’s going on?”
He said:

NO NO NO NO NO NO SHIFTS THIS WEEK! x2

No shifts, I thought. Hmmm. That’s not a lot.
It’s quite a few less than I’ve usually got
Maybe my job’s been taken by a robot
Maybe I’ll have a shift next week but probably not
I stop and think: should I go to Centrelink?
Or just go to the pub to drink with my mate Matty Fink?
Does my resume stink? Should I go see a shrink?
Should I apply for a job at the ice skating rink?
Should I become the next Ernest Hemingway?
Or should I just shrug and say “well, anyway”?
I’ve got

NO NO NO NO NO NO SHIFTS THIS WEEK! x2

Well, things were going fine until I got laid off
And I spent my life savings on a talking toothbrush
With the voice of Kevin Spacey
And you can call it crazy
But I had to buy the toothbrush ‘cos his acting skills amaze me
Hospitality is not the industry for me
I think you’ll all agree that I’m as clumsy as can be
And my customer service makes the customer nervous
As they wonder to themselves what they did to deserve this
So I went to see a psychiatrist
And the psychiatrist told me to have more sex

NO NO NO NO NO NO SEX THIS WEEK!
NO NO NO NO NO NO SHIFTS THIS WEEK! x3
Track Name: 100Db (Ft. FriendlyFire)
Captain Cake:
One man, No band
Got my set list planned
On stage I stand
Microphone in hand
Laptop plugged in
Perfect Shape is pumping
Venue manager runs in shouting something
"Turn it down" he says
"It's way too loud
We're getting noise complaints from the older crowd
In the main bar, with every BUFF you yell
You need to keep it below 100 Decibels"
Well damn, apparently my sonic boom
Is drowning out the singer in the other room
And while she's trying to sing and play acoustic guitar
I got my techno cranked loud like in a bogans car
Well i'm no Rockstar, I'm a writer see
I've only got one laptop on stage with me
It's the same one, that I use in Cafe's
Writing literature and drinking soy Latte's
Okay, I make music the way I make love
Noisily, Clumsily, Solo usually
All this is new to me
but what the hell?
I can't keep it below one hundred decibels

V.M: Turn it down, Turn it down
For Gods sake keep that shit below 100 Decibels you boys

D-Dawg (FriendlyFire):
I'm gonna put on a show with my favourite band
Pick the best ones in all of Brisbane
FriendlyFire and Captain Cake on the same stage
Ready to usher in a new age
So before the show starts, I sneak off and smoke a joint
I toke up and sneak back into the joint
Captain Cake's about to begin
It's time to settle in
So I crank up the decibels
And let The Captain do his thing
That's when the manager comes over to me
"It's over 100 Decibels you have to turn it down you see"
But i'm too high to be dealing with things
I didn't even charge anyone to get in
And now i've got this dickhead in the middle of the crowd
Who put's on a Rock N' Roll show and says it's too loud
So I tell him what he want's to hear
And I start setting up my gear
If you think Captain Cake was enough to make you fret
Well, Things haven't even gotten loud yet

Things Haven't even gotten loud yet x4

Axel FriendlyFire (FriendlyFire):
Keep it under 100 Decibels
You're making all our guests lose brain cells
Dumb ass kids, and their stupid gigs
Too loud for the ones who come here to drink
They are under 80
But we gotta stay
Playing below 100 today
These bands are reckless and endangering
The noise that's coming from that room is crazening
Keep it down
Keep it quiet
Play it lower
Just be silent!
We don't want to encourage them
To Stay Violent
Angry kids at angry gigs
110 Decibels of noise
I can't hear the person next to me's voice
Shut it down
Call it quits
The music you're playing
Makes me sick
Frustration growing in the air
Like the sound is gas and the matchsticks bare
Catch on fire, Burn it down
We somehow burnt the venue to the ground with sound

V.M: Turn it down! Turn it down!
Captain Cake: I'm never playing below 100 Decibels ever again
It'll be nothing but 100 Decibels for the rest of my life
V.M: For Gods sake, Keep that shit below 100 Decibels you boys
Alright that's it! I'm turning it off!